Growing up in a Sinhalese Buddhist home, I was raised to view my virginity as form of purity. It was my most precious possession, to be protected at all costs and the loss of it before marriage was possibly the most shameful thing that could happen to myself and my family.
I took those warnings to heart. It’s difficult to understand if you didn’t grow up in the society I am born to, but the focus on purity before marriage is so strong that non even question it. Of course, I would wait until marriage. How could I think of doing anything else?
In response to the many warnings about sex before marriage from my society,parents, and elsewhere, I restricted my dating life to a handful of guys, and I even decided to not kiss the man who would become my husband until our wedding day. We dated for almost a year before we got engaged, and the next thing you know 6 months down the line, I was getting married. I never really worried about marrying someone I was sexually incompatible with, since everyone assured me that the sex would be glorious once it was done after marriage.
The judgement and expectations from my parents & society was wrapped around me. The sexual tension between my fiancé and I certainly didn’t make keeping our lips apart or our hands off each other easy. But we had both decided that we wanted to honor each other. We were looking forward to sharing that intimacy once we were married.
I innocently told myself that all of that work on both our parts to remain this way would pay off with passionate sex life.
Things didn’t work the way we planned. After returning from my honeymoon, I was diagnosed with Vaginismus. This followed with the darkest few months of my life. I was continuously in pain during sex and this made it impossible for me to enjoy sex.
All my life, I was told sex is a scary thing and now that it was good for my body. But my body didn’t know what to do, because it had spent so many years not letting itself get excited around members of the opposite sex. In fact, Vaginismus can be caused by, tough parenting, inadequate sex education.
I fell deeper into depression, ever more convinced of my utter failure as a wife.
If I had to do it again, I still would have waited. But I would have encouraged a open conversations about the many good aspects of sex.
If I had to do it again, I would have asked for a more balanced perspective of sex life, keeping aside our culture and religion.
By : Anonymous